« back to articles

Top 11 Predictions for Vegan Athletes in 2012

Since Jostradamus Connelly gave his top ten predictions for a vegan 2012, I thought I would give my eleven predictions for vegan athletes in 2012. Yes, this one goes to eleven.

11. After years of demand, OrganicAthlete finally produces the OrganicAthlete hemp NASCAR driver suit. These suits become wildly fashionable among Portland potluckers and begins a new trend of ordinary people wearing driving suits during mealtimes. 

10. Tim VanOrden gives up on stair climbing. Instead, he spearheads the new sport of SGB or Sticky Glove Buildering. Competitors use the technology from the scene Mission Impossible 4 where Ethan Hunt scales Burj Khalifa with fancy gloves. Tim becomes the first person to climb the entirety Burj Khalifa with said technology.

9. At the start of the 2012 Cyclocross WorldsChristine Vardaros looks at Marianne Vos and says, "Grrrr."

8. At a late-night karaoke party, Tonya Kay discovers her latent singing talent. She gives up her dancing and acting career and launches a post-folk/punk-revival band. "My pussy sharpens power tools with her claws" becomes a surprise smash hit on the straightedge charts.

7. Joe Connelly, editor of VegNews magazine, runs a sub 2:18 marathon, just making the Olympic Trials qualifying time. Then, all but two of the other competitors in the trial fall ill to food poisoning from tainted meat. Due to this sordid twist of fate, Joe realizes a life-long dream and makes the Olympic team.

6. Pam Boteler smashes any clichéd meaning out of the figure of speech "up the creek without the paddle" when she literally paddles upstream to victory in the first ever women's Olympic canoe event without a paddle.

5. Someone could make millions of dollars from this prediction. No Meat Athlete has a major t-shirt printing snafu that goes unnoticed, and hundreds of happy vegan runners wear shirts that say "www.nomeetathlete.com" on the back. After the first major marathon of the year, traffic to this URL overwhelms DNS servers in Oklahoma causing a critical blackout on the inter webs. Google and federal government form a partnership to build a server farm the size of Nevada. 

4. Freelee says "fig you" to Durianrider and creates her own website: 45bananasevery36hours.com. Though 30 bananas per day and 45 bananas every 36 hours are, arithmetically speaking, the same, philosophers the world over begin to question whether the two rates are truly the same in the long run. A new academic journal, The Journal of Thinking about the Law of Large Numbers (Strong and Weak), surpasses the New Yorker in readership in Madrid, NM.

3. Robert Cheeke opens the first ever all-Vegan gym on Venice Beach

2. Brendan Brazier discovers a new use for VEGA as a bath product. 1 part pea protein to 2 parts Maca not only exfoliates the skin, but causes an electrical current that stimulates muscle growth. Brendan starts spending large amounts of time in the bathtub, surrounded by candles, reading obscure late 1970s mid-Manhattan poetry. Brendan can't stop talking about his obsession with apostrophe and synecdoche, so much so that one day while riding with Dave Zabriskie, Dave's eyes glaze over and Dave makes a tweet.

1. This tweet will later be known as the "V-tweet," as these 103 characters cause the whole of professional peloton to give up meat. Social psychologists will write about these 103 characters for years to come.